everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
this will be a night to untag.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
