I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You should frame my arrest warrant.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
