You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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