The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
