dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
