mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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