It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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