Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
