I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
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