I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
