So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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