I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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