He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
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I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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