Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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