I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
