I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
