He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
