And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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