1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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