Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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