I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
