Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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