all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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