I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
