tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
