just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
