Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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