i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
