Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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