if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Randomize
