An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
