Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
