Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
