Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
