We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I AM VODKA MAN
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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