So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
