My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
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