yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
