they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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