Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
