You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
