If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
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Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
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Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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