The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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