Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
