My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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