I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
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I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
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The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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