I wish I could teleport
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
