I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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