I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
