my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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