Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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