I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
