You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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