And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
