Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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