i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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