if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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