i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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