Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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